Strategies for strengthening your partnership
Communication
It is important to talk about the changes that have taken place during this time apart. Spend time talking with each other – you’ve been through separate experiences during deployment, and each of you have changed in some way as a result. For the partner who remained at home, learning how to manage the household alone may have left him/her feeling independent and used to life on his/her own. The partner returning home faced new and perhaps very intense situations during deployment. He/she has also become used to life on his/her own, away from the partner and family. Talking openly can help you get to know each other again, regaining the intimacy you shared before and rebuilding family routines that include you both.
Some partners have found that they have to stop and think about how to talk to each other - especially since what worked for military communication may not work so well on the homefront. Conversations within a military environment can be quite different from how families communicate effectively at home:
Military communication:
- Mission- or task-oriented (“Get ‘er done!”)
- One person speaks, everyone else listens, with little or no questioning
- Information is restricted; Revealing information can jeopardize safety
- Anger can be a common emotion
Communication skills for the home front:
- Negotiate, don’t give orders.
- Take turns talking and sharing thoughts and feelings.
- Show respect.
- Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
- Use “I” statements (“I think…”, “I feel…”, “I’m concerned about…”).
- Don’t assume you know what the other is thinking or feeling.
- Listen when it is your turn and clarify if you do not understand or are not sure of what was said.
- Take a time-out when you feel the conversation is not progressing.
- Decide ahead of time what you want to discuss.
- Don’t rush yourself.
- Talk when you are calm; If you are angry, cool off first.
- Work on skills to deal with painful feelings rather than lashing out.
- Try not to interrupt or become defensive when others offer their opinions.
- Talk about likely “triggers” so that both partners understand what might cause an upsetting reaction.
Reintegration strategies
There are steps you can take as a couple to help ease the transition or "reintegration" process:
- Go slowly - don't try to make up for lost time.
- Accept that your partner may be different.
- Take time to get reacquainted.
- Don't force yourselves to talk about the experience of war, but be open to it when the time is right. If your partner is not ready to talk about his/her experiences during deployment, don't push it. It's often a better idea for the service member to talk through any tough experiences first with a chaplain, a family service center counselor, or another trusted adviser or friend who has experienced some of the same things. If you do talk about painful experiences as a couple, try to listen without judging. The key is to gain your partner’s trust, so he/she feels that it's safe to talk with you.
- Keep talking. Talking can help you reconnect as a couple and as a family.
- Discuss your differences about expectations, household responsibilities, and decision-making.
- Be patient with each other and with your children. It takes time to regroup as a family, and you can't rush a natural process. The service member should make a gradual effort to resume his/her role as an engaged parent -- without buying the children's affection through spoiling or forcing their obedience with unnecessarily strict discipline.
- Seek professional help if you think there is a problem. Some adjustment problems can be expected after a long or difficult deployment, but if the problems aren't getting better after a couple of months, it is a sign that you may need some assistance. Don't feel that you have to solve serious problems on your own.
