Common post-deployment reactions
Couples often pass through several phases when reunited after deployment. There can be a “honeymoon” period, when everything is joyful, exciting and special. Some partners even express a sense of awkwardness along with the excitement. Everyone may try to be on their best behavior. But eventually, for many partners, a different mix of feelings can develop.
From the returning soldier’s perspective:
For the returning soldier, seeing how well their partner managed without them can be a bit hurtful. No doubt some things will have changed in their absence: spouses are more independent, children have grown, and the roles and priorities of every member of the family may be different. It is unrealistic to expect everything to remain the same while a soldier is away. There may be a desire to reassert his/her role in the family, which could lead to tension.
From the at-home partner’s perspective:
The partner who was not deployed may experience a sense of lost independence. He/she may even harbor some resentment at having been abandoned. As the adult who “held down the fort” during deployment, raising the children, caring for the house and paying the bills, he/she may consider him/herself to be the true hero. With that perceived loss of independence may come feelings of irritability at having his/her mate “underfoot,” and a desire for his/her own space.
Similarities between partners:
Whether they recognize it or not, both partners may be experiencing similar feelings from different perspectives.
- Concern that one is not needed anymore
- Loss of independence
- Fear of infidelity
- Feeling disconnected from partner
- Desire to be taken care of
- Disappointment when reality doesn't live up to expectations
- Anger at absence
- Jealousy of a perceived preference by a child for the other parent
- Feelings that he/she had it worse than his/her partner
- Grief
- Desire to return to “normal”
- Feeling uncertain about the future
If not discussed, these feelings can lead to any of the following behaviors:
- Suspiciousness and questioning
- Difficulty concentrating
- Taking power back through physical violence
- Partner abuse
- Withdrawal
It is common to wish – even to expect – that life will go back to “how it was”. Partners may try to get things back to “normal,” but often that is not possible, nor is it the best solution. Everyone in the family has changed during deployment, learning new skills and new methods of coping in order to survive the separation. These changes are neither “good” nor “bad,” they are simply normal reactions to what are often abnormal and very stressful circumstances.
During this phase, both partners need to work to reestablish their roles in the relationship. Basic household chores and routines may need to be renegotiated.
It can be helpful to adopt a different mindset during this time, changing thoughts and expectations to acknowledge a “new normal” for relationships. While learning to accept these changes, family members may experience feelings of grief over the time that was lost during deployment, and over the end of the relationship as it once was.
